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“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

* * *

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh… Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

* * *

A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:

“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”

“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.

* * *

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”

* * *

The general went out to find that none of his GIs were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.

Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

* * *

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine”, said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”

* * *

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.