Читать «Самые лучшие английские анекдоты» онлайн - страница 4

– Just imagine!

– And did you tell her about your rich uncle whose only heir you are.

– It was just because I told her about it. She left me to become my auntie.

* * *

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

* * *

– Here, hold my horse a minute, will you?

– Sir, I am a member of the Congress.

– Never mind! You look honest. I’ll take a chance.

* * *

– Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?

– Yes, of course.

– Great! I never could before!

* * *

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy:

“How did you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.”

* * *

– What would you do if you won one million pounds?

– Why? Of course I’d pay off my debts.

– And what would you do with the remaining?

– The remaining would have to wait till next time.

* * *

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.

So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”

After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”

The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”

The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”

The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

* * *

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.

Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

* * *

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked:

“How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?”

“Just send a bill for such advice”, replied the lawyer.