Читать «Самые лучшие английские анекдоты» онлайн - страница 13

The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

* * *

“I say, madam, your husband has fallen into the well.”

“Oh, that’s all right. We use the city water now.”

* * *

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.. suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”

* * *

“Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed?”

“I want to see what I look like when I’m sleeping.”

* * *

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost! and need directions!”

* * *

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his dog lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to the dog. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, “Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?” “Yes, I’m trying to break him of this dreadful habit,” replies the blind man. “Well, it’s none of my business, but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!” To which the blind fellow chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!”

* * *

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. “Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn.” The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. “Oh, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer.