Читать «Автоматическая Алиса» онлайн - страница 6

"I'm looking for my parrot."

"A parrot, you say? This wouldn't be a green-and-yellow parrot, with a big orange beak, who just can't stop asking riddles?"

"Yes, that's Whippoorwill! Where did he go?"

"The parrot, he went that-a-way," said the ant, pointing back down the corridor with one of his antennae.

"Oh thank you, Mister Ant. You've been ever so helpful."

"How dare you, young miss!" exclaimed the ant, raising himself onto his back legs and blocking her path. "You have made not one, but two factual errors: firstly, I am not an ant. I am a termite."

"Oh I am sorry," said Alice. "But surely there's not that much difference between ants and termites?"

"Stupid child! Just because we've both got six legs and two sections, and just because we both live in highly organized societies comprising winged males, wingless females and winged queens, you presume ants and termites to be all but identical. You couldn't be more wrong, dear girl. Why, there's a thousand differences between us!"

"Please tell me one," asked Alice.

"Tell you one what?"

"A difference between a termite and an ant."

"Well, now... let me think... I'm sure there was something... it's in here somewhere..." The termite was tapping his head with one of his antennae as he pondered. "Of course! We termites are vegetarians, while the horrible ants are carnivores. In fact..." and here the termite looked around rather nervously as he whispered to Alice, "ants like to eat termites for breakfast. On toast! I suspect that the ants are jealous because they haven't been found on the Moon. Quite a mound of difference, I think you'll agree?"

Alice did agree, but she wasn't sure why. "What is your name, Mister Termite?" she asked.

But this latest (very polite) question only made the termite even angrier: his antennae fairly bristled with indignation. "And that", he trumpeted, "brings me to your second mistake, for, if you had been paying attention to my previous statement, you would have recognized that I am completely wingless and therefore, logically, I am a female termite."

"Very well," said Alice, getting just a little exasperated herself now, "what is your name, Mrs Termite?"

"Mrs? Mrs? Do I look like a Mrs? Only the Queen is a Mrs! I told you already that the Queen has wings. What is the matter with you?"

"Oh!" cried Alice, "Miss Termite, you're just too... too... too logical for me!"

"Logical? Of course I'm logical. I'm a computermite."

"Whatever's a computermite?"

"Exactly what it sounds like, silly. I'm a termite that computes. I work out the answers to questions. Now, what is your question?"

"Very well," began Alice, trying her best to keep her anger in check, "what is your name, Miss Computermite?"

"Name?" squeaked the termite. "Names, names, names! What would I know about names? I'm a termite, for digging's sake! Termites don't have names! Whatever next? You'll be asking if we've got bicycles in a minute!"